As we enter 2017, I am now only 10 months away from saying goodbye to my twenties and turning 30. It is in this moment, I started to look back at all the changes that have happened over the past decade. It feels like I’m constantly now saying “I’m too old for this shit”, so here are the rambles of a grumpy old bastard and the first signs I’m becoming a ‘real adult’.
1) I now use real toilet paper. None of that single layered sandpaper tearing me a new hole, I’m Andrex the whole way.
2) Smoked salmon is no longer a Christmas treat, it’s now an evening snack.
3) The idea of staying the night in a hostel no longer sounds like banter, it sounds like back ache and people farting all night.
4) I own a dehumidifier…Like…What?!?
5) The guitar is gone, I have finally come round to terms with the fact that I won’t be a famous Rockstar. I did however buy a saxophone, but I will put that one down to a pre-mid life crisis.
6) That guilt trip about saving for a house is finally starting to kick in. Why the hell do they cost so much?!
7) Being ID’d doesn’t make me feel young. It just seems a waste of time. We all know I’m not 16, I have a feckin’ beard.
8) I now feel guilt when I tuck into cheese on toast. When did that start? I used to eat it every day without battering an eyelid, now I feel like I’ve committed a crime.
9) I find myself staring blankly at people around 8 years younger than me, as they say words like Bennin or Chung.
10) You won’t see me drinking Kangeroo piss anymore (Fosters, as described by my Aussie mates). A real job means you can actually drink something you like the taste of, like spiced rum. Ah, some things do get better as you grow up.
11) I can no longer hit town, then grab a coffee and ‘brush that shit off’. The hangovers now last a couple of days and I can’t even talk the next day. Find me necking 6-7 coffee’s on this day, or preferably hunched over on my recliner chair at home watching the Walking Dead.
12) Festivals are amazing, but the idea of sleeping in a tent again is filling me with dread. Can I just stay in a hotel next to the festival? I hear glamping is pretty good.
13) I no longer ask for cool birthday presents like a games console or the latest gadget, most of my present requests have become practical, like a frying pan or vitamins.
14) My Facebook feed has become a dreaded place of baby pictures and wedding reminders. I guess it really is time to settle down.
15) If I’m crashing at a mates, he better have a spare bed or at least a sofa. Long gone are the days where I could crash on the floor and walk normally for the next week.
16) I’ve become a coffee fiend. No more cheap crap, I can’t stand that Nescafe instant stuff. It tastes like a camel’s ass.
17) I used to watch any old movie that came onto TV, but now I see that as a waste of precious time. I don’t get much free time, so if I’m going to watch a movie, it has to have a minimum score of 7.5 on IMDB, otherwise what is the point?
18) I know longer die inside when I buy a round for my mates or work colleagues down the pub.
19) On the same topic, I no longer cry internally when I see a £5 price on a pint of beer. It sure is a rip off, but I don’t have the energy to walk down the road to a cheaper place when there is alcohol right in front of me.
20) I don’t have time for drama. If you hang out with my mates, you will quickly learn they are all relaxed and happy people, who just want to go along with what everyone wants to do. There is no drama, never an argument and we spend the entire time laughing.
21) My favourite genre of music is Drum & Base. I do love classic rock like the Rolling stones, while I also enjoy current rock music (30 seconds to Mars), hip hop and grime…However, I do find myself sneaking on some classical songs, just when I’m cleaning or chilling out. It isn’t often yet, but this would be incomprehensible just 2 years ago.
22) I no longer look out at snow and have a big grin on my face. My mind used to revert to being 5 years old, as I would try to build a sledge out of anything I could find in the house, whereas now I just wonder how I’m going to walk down the road without tripping up and looking like a tit.
23) I now live with one housemate and have been doing so for the past 3 years, but I remember the times when I lived in a house of 8 people. Wait, correct that, 1 girl and 7 lads! It was a mess, someone could have died in there and we wouldn’t know for months. It was insanely funny at the time, but I’m Too Old For That Shit.
24) It is no longer acceptable to go out during Fresher’s Week. It’s just plain weird.
25) My kitchen is packed up with super foods rather than super noodles. I traded in the 10p basic noodles for green tea and spinach.
26) Forget the club; the first pub is the best part of the whole night, as I can catch up with everyone and actually hear them.
27) I can’t remember the last time I pre-drank before a night out, as I can actually afford to just get a drink in a bar instead. Forget sipping on a massive shared bottle of strongbow when I can be tucking into a Kraken & coke.
28) Completing 10 hours of work in a row seems quite normal. At Uni, just turning up to a 3 hour lecture seemed an impossible task.
29) Drinking wine out of a bag just seems like an odd idea now, however it does seem to make random appearances at the occasional wedding party.
30) Celebrating someone’s birthday no longer means a massive house party, something I was sad to say goodbye to.
31) I can no longer accept excuses. I was lazy at school and it didn’t improve much as I went to University. I wanted to be an actor, but I had a different excuse every day for me not chasing my dream. Well, now I spend every day trying to accomplish things I want in my life. I don’t have the energy to listen how hard it is to ‘fit it into the day’. Have you tried turning off the TV?
32) I would now love to learn more. When I was at school, I would have done anything to get myself out of the classroom, now I choose to go to conferences and lectures and I’m willing to pay money for the opportunity.
33) I used to pull all nighters all the time at uni and would just take a red bull the next day and soldier on through. The concept sounds awful now. If I don’t get 8 hours, I’m grumpy for the rest of the day.